My Short Take on Matters of the Heart
FALL 2023
This is my short take on matters of the heart, so I might as well start with mine— specifically, with something that breaks my heart... which is this: All the many times that students have told me they’re so success-driven, they don’t have time to “like” someone at school. Of course, I’m not talking about your ordinary, everyday kind of “like,” but the ‘like-like’ kind of Like. That’s right, I’m talking about the starry-eyed, daydream-addled, butterflies-in-the-tummy kind of Like. I’m talking about crushes. Adolescent infatuation. I’m talking about the whirlwind feelings of young love, warts and all.
Yes. That kind of ‘Like.’
Now, please don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying every teen should be overly focused on dating and romance! That would be foolish, not to mention counterproductive—after all, I do want my students to go to a good college. But after over thirty years of working with teens, here’s what I know for sure: Having romantic feelings from time to time is a critical part of adolescent social and psychological maturation. The lifespan developmental theorist, Erik Erikson, regarded crushes and youthful romance as necessary for adolescent self-understanding and identity formation. Additionally, the feeling of being “in love” is scientifically proven to boost serotonin and dopamine levels, both of which provide huge benefits to mental and physical health.
And yet, many immigrant parents have told me they want their teens to refrain from dating until after college graduation, fearful that matters of the heart will only distract from the really important stuff—i.e., academics, and career success. But I’m here to say: Parents, please think again.
Hanging out with a crush—even just attending the prom with someone!—isn’t a mere distraction; it’s a way to practice relationship skill-building for the years ahead. Personally, I’d much prefer teens hone these skills while still in the safety of their home community, rather than be far away at college, without any familial support, and lacking any prior experience when it comes to romance. Teen brains are going through a huge remodeling process, so it’s important for parents to let kids have some fun. Believe me, the smart, joyful, mentally healthy adult child will be forever grateful to you for having given them a little parental leeway in the romance department.
True confession: I had a crush on a different boy every year from the time I was in kindergarten! Of course, virtually every one of my crushes went unrequited, but when I entered high school, much to my delight, I found someone I liked who... actually liked me back! Today, when I think on that period of young love, my heart sings a little, and even though the ensuing breakup left sixteen-year-old me crushed, the entire experience taught me indispensable life lessons, such as: How to ask for support, how to admit to myself that I could have been a better girlfriend, and yes—even how to become more discerning about who I dated next. Most importantly, the experience taught me that I was strong, resilient, and had the capacity to “love” again. In fact, I actually credit my youthful crushes, whether successful or not, for leading me to the thriving, forty year-long marriage I have to this day.
So here’s my brief take on matters of the heart, when it comes to our kids: Aim to be the kind of parent who your teen will approach for advice and support when it comes to romance. If your children know you won’t approve of them dating, they’ll likely keep their romantic life a secret, which could then put them at serious risk. As we move into Autumn—the season when trees turn their leaves loose, allowing them to blow freely in the wind and fall where they will—let’s take stock of nature’s example, and loosen our hold on our children just a little bit when it comes to matters of the heart. Allow (and expect) your children to hit the inevitable milestones of adolescent love and romantic infatuation, bumps in the road and all. Because after over thirty years of working with teens and emerging adults, whenever a young person tells me they’re going to “hang out” (grabbing some Froyo, going on a hike), or just thinking sweetly of a special someone, my wise old heart sings a little bit.
Disclaimer: ~1% of people naturally identify as aromantic or asexual or (i.e., have no romantic or sexual interest in anyone during their lifetime).