From Fragility to Resilience: In Defense of Teacups
Winter 2022
I’m not sure exactly when I first became aware that the word “teacup” was a synonym for a person who cracks too easily under pressure—specifically, a high school student who cracks under pressure—but I do remember being momentarily taken aback. My only associations with the word “teacup” up until that point were Chinese dim sum outings, British movies with drawing room scenes of tea parties— even that all-too-famous ride at Disneyland! But to use the word “teacup” when discussing stress and teens? That was a new one for me.
The gist, of course, is that teacups shatter under pressure, and too many high schoolers, as a consequence of being perpetually overworked and stressed to the breaking point, have become teacups. Sadly, many students reach teacup status, imploding before they even get to college.
This is a sobering thought.
And yet… something about the term “teacup” used in this way never quite squared with my understanding of the greater picture. Yes, it’s true: young people are under more pressure than ever; to pretend otherwise would be to do them a terrible disservice. After all, they’re applying to college in a hyper-competitive environment, all while living through a pandemic, a national epidemic of gun violence, political strife—and on top of everything, college tuition continues to skyrocket! It’s no wonder our kids are displaying cracks and fissures; they’re in crisis. And in this, they’re not alone; the world’s in crisis, too.
But crisis, as many successful leaders will attest, can be viewed as opportunity in disguise. And while it’s true that teacups are prone to shattering when so pressed, on the flip side, the humble teacup has for centuries performed a most valuable, even sacred, function—its fragility, beauty and grace are the very qualities that make them an essential part of the age-old ritual (and art!) of drinking tea. And the ancient art of drinking tea is no small thing.
Consider, if you will, the following:
“A cup of tea is a cup of peace.” —Sen Sshitsu VX
“Making tea is a ritual that stops the world from falling
in on you.” —Jonathan Stroud
“Wherever you are drinking your tea, whether at work, in a café or at home, it is wonderful to allow enough time to appreciate it.” —Thich Nhat Hannh
“There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea.” — Henry James
“There is no trouble so great or grave that cannot be diminished by a nice cup of tea.” – Bernard-Paul Heroux
In short: A teacup, delicate as it may be, has long been affiliated with a restorative, curative ritual. Across cultures and time periods, the art of drinking tea has served as a surefire way to access calm and clarity in the eye of the hurricane. Not to belabor the metaphor too much here, but I propose that the same “teacup” teens who we judge to be so at risk of shattering, can, given the right kind of coaching, learn to leverage the extreme pressure in the current atmosphere to draw upon reserves of strength, and even hone much-needed techniques to access peace of mind. That’s the nature of pressure: it can bring out the worst in people, but it can also bring out the best, depending on a variety of factors. The key to getting positive, rather than negative, results in today’s cultural climate, I believe, is proper support and guidance.
Ask yourself the following question:
As I take on the college application process, am I attending to my own self-care in a way that makes me calm, graceful under pressure, and resilient, or am I disregarding my well-being in a way that puts me at risk of shattering like a teacup?
And if I am at risk of cracking under pressure, is there a way I can reframe the situation as an opportunity to learn to take better care of myself—perhaps by simplifying my schedule, identifying which extracurricular activities are truly meaningful to me and which are not? Answering these kinds of self-reflective questions requires careful thought, and can be made easier by someone who can serve as a sounding board. And that’s where I can help; I know how to support young people around many school-related and mental health issues, such as time-management (mitigating perfectionism, balancing academic, social, family responsibilities) and communication (problem solving, conflict resolution).
Below are some practical strategies to maintain balance,
based on my decades of experience working with young people:
1.
Simplify Your Schedule. Sometimes Less is More.
Release the pressure to sign up for too many AP courses and too many extracurricular commitments. Instead, identify which courses and extracurriculars are truly meaningful to you, and then give yourself permission to let go of the ones that are extraneous.
Why is that? you may ask.
Well, we only have so many hours in a day. Yes, there are a small group of gifted geniuses who can sail through demanding course work, memorize lengthy lists of facts and figures in a blink, and produce brilliant papers without shouldering the hard labor of revising multiple drafts. (Personally, I knew one such student in high school, and one in college—that’s it.) Most students, even very intelligent ones, need ample time to study, to do thorough research and to delve deeply into the writing process.
2.
Don’t Ever Say Something to Yourself That You Wouldn’t Say
to Your Best Friend or The Art of Positive Self-Talk
Ask yourself, honestly, if you’ve ever said any of the following to yourself:
"I only got 90 out of 100 on the quiz. I'm stupid."
"I’m getting a B in this class. I can forget about getting into my dream college.”
"That conversation was awkward. I'm a loser."
If the answer is yes to any of the above, consider, just as an experiment, substituting these thoughts with the following statements instead:
I gave it everything I had. 90 out of 100 is still an A.
This class was HARD. One B isn’t bad. I’ll get into a college that’s right for me.
They’re probably not thinking about what I said. I’ll get better at small talk.
3.
Do’s and Don’ts for Parents: A Primer
Parents: Please know that you cannot say the following words to your child enough:
"I'm always here to love and support you."
Don’t say: We’re both engineers. How can you have a C in your quarterly math grade?”
Do say: "We know classes are harder now than when we were in school, and you did your best. Just let us know if we can help."
Don’t say: "You're being too weak. Just do better. Your sister did fine in high school.”
Do say: "I can see you're having a tough time this semester. How can I help”?
Don’t say: "I can contact the teacher and figure out what happened."
Do say: "How do you want to handle this”?
In closing, here’s my best advice to both parents and teens, based on thirty-plus years of experience:
Remember: there are many paths to a happy, successful life.
Never doubt for a minute that we’re always growing. We hit our stride at different times, so avoid the temptation to compare yourself to others.
Get seven or eight hours of sleep every night. Your current and future mental health will thank you for it.
Find something that heals, soothes, or lessens your suffering. I think of this something as a touchstone, or a kind of healing “balm.” Your healing “balm” might be a favorite childhood book, a song, a particular TikTok video; it might be a treasured memory, or physical exercise—even a spiritual practice like prayer or meditation. The writer Maya Angelou discovered her soul’s healing “balm” in the poetry of Langston Hughes. Imprinted on my daughter’s most prized tee-shirt in high school was the following slogan: When in Doubt, Laugh. In fact, laughter was so central to her mental health that she wrote one of her college essays all about how laughter healed her, nourished her, and filled her with optimism.
We’re living through unprecedented times, and college applicants are juggling more pressures than ever before. I encourage you to get the support you need in order to achieve the best possible outcome.
- COLLEGE COACH KAREN